Exploring Grief
Today the British Prime Minister will return to work following a 2 day absence after his father’s death. Around the world millions of others will do exactly the same- return to work less than 48 hours after a traumatic and life changing experience.
When my lovely dad died almost 5 years ago it was after a diagnosis ,which meant I had some opportunity to ‘prepare’. In my world that meant turning to books to explore death, dying and grief, all terms which all seemed strange and overwhelming. As a reader and a planner I thought I could prepare myself and take a responsible approach to limit the negative impacts of grief. Anyone who has experienced grief of any kind will know the naivety of that statement! Grief is what happens when your world shifts and who you know yourself to be changes.
One of the biggest signs of grief for me was a significantly reduced ability to be with people. I love people, watching them, talking to them, being with them but suddenly I had no energy to talk or engage. This was my body’s physical response to grief. It wasn’t something I wanted. As much as it was confusing for friends and colleagues to know how to relate to me, it was equally confusing and frustrating for me. That ‘big birthday invite’ that previously would have caused excitement and joy, loomed over me and felt like it would take the effort of running a marathon. The networking opportunity with people taking about a topic that fascinated me, now felt too noisy and overwhelming. It was like my ‘being with people’ power had disappeared.
I was lucky enough to be able to shape my life and work around my need to grieve. In addition to more sleep, reading and walking I also started regular calls with a recently bereaved friend where we explored what grief was for us. Instead of trying to rush through grief I let it become part of my lifestyle, a must do on my to do list, rather than an inconvenience.
In my daily work I champion strategies for events to be used to create relational infrastructure. In other words using sport, business and cultural activities as a way to create strong societies. My time with grief gave me an understanding that grief could be a shared societal experience instead of something for the person grieving to cope with.
One year after my dad’s death, my grieving friend and I found ourselves presenting a poster titled ‘What if grief was play’ at the Inaugural European Grief Conference. The conference was a wonderful experience, a validation of the mental and physical journey of grief and an exploration of the opening to beauty, wonder and healthy impact that grieving makes possible.
Almost 5 years after my deep period of grief I remain aware that around me people will be going ‘back to work’ while in a period of deep grief. As time passes more people I know are touched by grief, inspiring me to take action and contribute to others exploration of grief I continue to wonder how society could respond and provide a space for grief because as deeply dark and overwhelming as it is, it is also beautifully powerful and inspiring. I wonder how we can give time to grief, how we can allow ourselves to be shaped by grief and how grief can become a structure in society so people returning to work after a few days absence have the opportunity to experience and be shaped by their grief journey. After all this is one experience that we all have in our future.